The Hitchhiker's Guide to Moderating

omgg crap room in prinny land!!! 1/5!!!

2008-08-24T17:00:00.004+08:00

The dark night conquered the skies again and stars start popping out like popcorns. The journey may be long but it only took Vito two blog posts to reach Prinny Land - an unheard achievement since the author wanted 5 blog posts for Vito to reach Prinny Land. Vito took pride in his achievement and surveyed the camp.

The camp was a rather small place compared to larger rooms like Feed the Ducks but there were many tents in different colors and if viewed at bird-eye point, it can look like a rainbow. The camp, however, had one distinguishing feature that makes the camp special. A 1,093,613.3 yards (1,000 kilometers) by 546,806.649 yards (500 kilometers) light tanned brown door. The handle on the door was silver and were 300,000 yards (274.32 kilometers) above the heads of visitors and citizen alike. The keyhole was under the shadows of the door handle and the most interesting part of the door is that the door was not mounted to a wall or anything. Tourists who wanted to see around the door had to pay a small fee but there were nothing behind the door.

"Holy macaroni and cheese! What a big door!", said Vito.

"That door, The Door to Real Life, is considered one of the 7 Kongregate Modern Wonders." said the soldier who was leading Vito to the General Moderator, "All the other wonders suck anyway especially the one in Feed the Ducks."

"What is the Feed the Ducks' modern wonder?" asked Vito, wondering why a wonder will "suck" to the soldier.

"Just a key. Some stupid key that is pretty big but I don't give a damn because it doesn't fit on any door." replied the soldier.

"How about the Door to Real Life?"

"You're joking, right? How does a retarded room has the KEY to our DOOR? We are enemies, like that Earth planet's Kyle Broflovski guy and Eric Cartman the fat guy. We will never have a truce because our fashion are more supreme than Feed the Ducks. We are more educated in stupidity than them. There are some things you don't really want to combine each other, trust me, there's a reason why Baywatch Nights, a spinoff of Baywatch which tries to solve some stupid X-Files-like cases but in a retarded way, never became that popular like Barney & Friends."

Vito speculated that Prinny Land and Feed the Ducks were enemies and decided to stop talking about it before he get beaten up by the netizens here.

A yellow tent appeared on sight and the soldier pointed to it with his index finger on his right hand, "Vito, welcome to your new home."

Vito, at first was surprised, but he did not really checked out his new home so he entered the tent.

"Holy macaroni and cheese!", shouted Vito, "What a mess here!"

Before Vito aspired to be a moderator and left home, his mother usually cleaned up his room. His room was a fantastic room as it was awarded by a webmaster and the room was considered Room 2.0. The simple design of the room is clean and slick, making it a cozy place. The light green wallpaper and the light blue carpet was a nice touch by an award-winning room designer, his mom. The bed was a single bed situated in a corner and the desk he usually worked on was just across it. The light was just perfectly on the center of a ceiling and all of these simple designs make Vito a spoiled brat when it comes to rooms.

The yellow tent he was ordered to live in was cramped and there seemed not to be any effort of organization at all. The bed was a baby crib and Vito was a tall guy which could be a reason why this room should be #1 in roomsthatsuck.com. Another reason is that the carpet was ragged and the color seemed to run off. Vito pictured the carpet might be a picture of a milk bottle 135 degrees tilted to the left and milk droplets falling down. The desk was even worser: it's a desk filled with many milk bottles and the mirror was just above it but was very scratched and filled with fingerprints.

"How can a room be..." Vito turned his head around and the soldier actually disappeared long ago.

That bastard, Vito thought.

He was after all pretty sleepy since it was night so he decided to lie down on the crib. His legs try to expand but it was too small so he had to tug his legs to his chest. Like a baby, he thought again.

Eight hours later, Vito was awakened by the national anthem. Unlike many national anthems where you actually sing, the Prinny Land National Anthem, "Let's Be a Rock Star and Kick Ass!", encouraged people to scream. The pitch was too high to be heard as he tried to decipher the lyrics.

"Prinny Land,
Prinny AHHHHHHH
We like exclamation ?!?!!
Look ?!?! our song, too much ?!?! marks!
Foods stuffed ?!?! our mouth is awesome!
We don't ?!?! a damn on what you think!
All other room run by ?!?! dumb children
But we don't...
Because we are Prinny Land,
Prinny AHHHHHHH"

It was deafening and the drummers smashed their drums that does not make any rhythmical sense. The electric guitarist strummed their electric guitars in a non-logical way. The birds probably got a heart attack once it heard this trash rumbling when it echoed to the skies and the animal leaders started writing their will to share their territory when they are dead
.

"What was the genre for this kind of music?" Vito asked himself. "Ahh, of course. It's called country music."

He smiled at the answer he got and decided to trek around Prinny Land for a while before he got called in to meet JudeMaverick. He moved around Prinny Land and saw many of the soldiers sprinting. He was going to complement the toughness of the Prinny Land army when a tired soldier came to him and asked him, "Yo man, do you have some beer?"

"What?" he replied, stunned. Of course, he never had beer and will never drink beer at all. He is allergic to beer and hated the putrid smell of it anyway.

"Dude, you don't have beer?" the soldier asked and immediately turned his back to him and said to his fellows, "Guys, he doesn't drink beer!"

The soldiers and, amazingly, the general himself laughed. The general came up to Vito and said, "Beer is what you outsiders call it 'water'!" Vito stared blankly and saw a children holding an enormously big mug of beer and gulped it down in one gulp.

"We, real men," the general explained, "drink beer for when we have a war, we have courage and willpower! Our movement are so swift due to it and we'll never lost to anyone at all! We call our room, the Unbeatable Room!"

The only reason why they were called the Unbeatable Room, Vito remembered in a Western Room Civilization History class, was because they never got into war at all. Never won, never lost equals "Unbeatable Room".

He wanted to argue his point but a messenger ran to Vito and said, "Vito, JudeMaverick will be pleased to see the audience, you, now." Vito nodded his head and followed the messenger while the soldiers and the general wrote the "guy who never drunk beer at all" in their blogs.

The messenger and Vito finally reached the administrator camp. It was really just an ordinary tent except bigger and some quirky wooden signboard outside saying, "lolz dis is da administarotr (hw u spell it? plz spel it 4 me thx!!!) camp. haz juedmavarick adn soem odar noobs!!!"

"Vito," the messenger bowed, "after you."

Always Read the Side-Effects of Your Medicine

2008-08-24T16:48:00.000+08:00

The sun shined on Vito's camp magnificently. The campfire was no more but logs stacked together and ashes on top of them. An emerging figure came out of the tent and it was filled with brawny muscles, looking very spherical and wide, and it can make every girls drool like a dude whose sunglasses dropped and instead of picking it up, stared at a blonde in a bikini and a G-String, with his mouth wide open and said in awe, "Woah..."

Emerging from the tent was a muscular guy and he looked around the surrounding. Wearing blue jeans that somehow still fits him and a shirt that has some tear marks due to his big body, he scratched his eye and gave a yawn. He hunched and packed up his stuff, grouchy than ever. While packing, he stumbled over a portable mirror. Since young, he admired his own looks and thinks he's the most handsome of them all. He put the mirror and the mirror reflected his face. Suddenly, he shrieked and discovered something unusual. He's not him, he changed to someone else!

Vito was terrified and thought of all the events that had occurred before he became this Hulk-like guy. Then, he remembered about the Medicinal Steroids Potion and was amazed that it actually transformed him into what he is.

He decided to check out his strength and devised a plan to try out his strength. He equipped his Sword of Moderation and lunged at a Generic Tree That Does Not Attack But Is Always Attacked For No Reason. He pierces his sword into the tree, damaging 3 points. He was surprised, and clenched his fist. He said with tears dropping to the ground from his face, "The Medicinal Steroids Potion increased my damage point by 1!" He laughed while crying, and rolled over the ground. Earthworms were splattered by the rolling gigantic body and one actually shouted to another, "HOLY WTF IS THIS 2012?!?! WERE GONNA DIE!!!", before being another victim of the homicide.

After the series of unintentional murders, Vito stood up and saw an apple tree. Since he was thirsty, he decided to run and get it. Despite the tree distance around 328 feet (100 meters), he ran very slow and was extremely exhausted when he got to the tree. "The muscles might be too heavy for me", he said to himself. The apple was above his head and he stared at the apple. He crouched down and jumped high. He snatched the apple from the tree and he was going to land on the ground again. The second he landed on the ground, creatures near to his landing zone was blown to smithereens and leaves from the apple tree became free and floated around the air. Vito saw what happened and his eyes bulged. "Woah...", Vito said.

As he moved on while biting a chunk on his apple, he saw a lady being attacked by a wolf. He dropped the apple and shouted, "HEY!" Unlike other normal shouts where people get deaf if they are near to the shouter, this one makes the victims soar the skies. The wolf who never braced for the impact was the victims in this case: it was swept away by the shout. The lady, whose hair becomes very similar to Dragonball Z's male characters, shrieked and ran away. Vito, again, was amazed.

Vito walked on again and met a clown. The clown was wearing a battered up clown hat and an awful costume. The awful costume seems that it has not been washed for ages because there is dirt and gum all over the costume and the colors had also run off, making the costume a total garbage. The clown asked, "Yo, kiddo. I have a good joke, wanna listen, chap? Costs 5 gold, yo. You'll laugh till you drop, man." Since 5 gold is cheapskate, Vito answered, "Go ahead", as he dug the 5 gold out from his Inventory. When the 5 gold reaches the clown's hand, the clown opened his mouth.

"Ask me this question, 'What's up?'" the clown said, mischievously.

"What's up?" Vito asked.

"The sky." The clown replied.

Vito, sensing the joke's hilarity, laughed in a very low voice, sounding like "Huhuhuh". The clown was shocked, unsure if Vito has a bad sense of humor, and just ran away. Vito wonders what does the Medicinal Steroids Potion's effects and grabbed it from his Inventory. As it turns out, the Medicinal Steroids Potion has also changed his perception of humor as this is one of its side-effect. It also made him do not understand good jokes but laugh at bad jokes. However, Vito thought it was nonsense and thought that the sky joke was hilarious even though normal internet users say it is not funny.

Vito trekked for a while and saw a traveller. He asked the traveller if Prinny Land was near. "Yep, major, it's pretty near. Probably like a few more miles and you'll reach it." The traveller swept past him, leaving Vito all alone. Vito snickered, whispering to himself, "Looks like these strengths are gonna make my life easier in Prinny Land!"

As soon as he saw the Prinny Land camp, where its flagpole said its famous slogan, "FtD sucks, go to Prinny Land instead, dood.", he sprinted to the camp, smiling. Every time his feet slammed down to the ground, a large "THUMP!" sound was heard and all the animals hopped.

He reached the camp and was greeted by a soldier. "You're Vito, dood? Come to the tent to talk to the General Moderator, JudeMaverick, to discuss your next missions as a moderator."

Vito stepped in and the door closed. Barely unexcited, he was on his way on being the greatest moderator ever.

End of Always Read the Side-Effects of Your Medicine

To be continued...

Note: Not that random and surprising because I plotted it out and there wasn't enough time to do it :(

Cheerleading 101: You Need Your Pom-Pom to Survive

2008-08-10T12:40:00.001+08:00

As the sun is beginning to transition itself to shine on the other side of the World Wide Web, stars began to appear and shine brightly like white little dots.

Enter Vito as he walks at the Path To Prinny Land when he saw an injured woman. The woman had beautiful blonde hair and she was wearing a t-shirt that said, "GO TEAM KONGREGATE GO!" He decided to help the her and quickly grabbed a Health Potion from the Inventory to her. She thanked him, her health points got back to 10/10, and asked if he wanted some soup. Since he was hungry, he said yes and the woman gave him the soup.

As the newly-appointed moderator sipped the soup, the woman introduced herself, "My name is AlisonClaire. I was beaten up by a troll and crawled to here." While she talks, the soup touched Vito's taste buds, tickling every sensation but in a bad way; It was rather bitter and sour. He was almost going to spit it but it will be unkind to do so. He gulped down the whole soup and thought about where in the world was he gonna puke. AlisonClaire continued, "It took my belongings and I'm really sad... I have to go to a cheerleading competition soon and my pom-pom are gone. All gone!" She cried, tears dropping to the floor and splashing silently, and started slapping herself. Vito stopped the 2nd slap and said, "Maybe I can find it for you. I just became a moderator and has the Sword of Moderation which can damage 1-2 points." She replied, "Really?" and then hugged him immediately very tightly. It almost made the soup go back into his mouth and Vito seemed incredibly sick but he tried to hide it from her.

As Vito equipped his Sword of Moderation, he asked AlisonClaire where did she got robbed. "I was at the Forest with Many Trees when the troll attacked me", AlisonClaire said while pointing to it. She cautioned Vito that many monsters and trolls lived there so Vito prepared himself.

The sun rose high into the skies and vanquished the night and clouds started appearing in the clear blue sky. Vito entered the forest and it was filled with many trees that are the same height and same width to each other. The ground was rather brown and the forest itself was generic. It was weird to Vito but he moved on and encountered a bat. The bat attacked first and damaged 1 point. Seeing how hurt he was (14/15 health points), Vito drank a health potion which heals 10 points and got cured back to max health. The bat missed and Vito attacked back, damaging 2 points. The bat died and floated for a while before it dropped to the ground flat. Vito smiled at the defeated enemy and brought it into his backpack since the soup was unsatisfying and he learned how to roast bats from the wise_old_man. He remembered the taste of roasted bats and dreamt about it. "Mmm... Roasted bats..." thought the moderator.

He saw a distant campfire and took out his handy-dandy binoculars. He peered into his binoculars and scanned around the campfire. There was a troll nearby sun-basking and AlisonClaire's pom-pom were in the troll's tent. Vito immediately took out pencil and paper and began to calculate the damage he gives and receives. He scribbles around and thought really hard. "If he does 0 damage and I do 1-2 damage to him," Vito talked to himself, "how much damage do I receive and give? Damn, I hate mathematics!" He scribbled once more and he groaned as he made a mistake - he miscalculated that 0+0=10. He frowned, crumbled the paper and threw it away and started to redo the process. After 10 minutes of trial and error, he finally exclaimed, "Yes! I finally got it!" He cried as tears come tumbling down his cheeks and said, "He'll damage 0 points!"

Confident that he will defeat the troll, he trekked to the campfire and begun his assassination. It was surprised by his assassin and did not attack. Grabbing every opportunities that he can, he slashed the troll with a staggering damage of 1 point. It started to attack and tried to swing his club while saying, "omg noob mod!!111" It missed and Vito attacked again, damaging it 1 point. The troll gave one last big swing and it did hit Vito which damaged him 0 points. Vito lunged at the troll and said to it, "Au revoir, troll." The troll replied, "omg wuds au revoir wtf stfu noob" and gave one deep breath before Vito pinned it down with his sword. He searched the tent for AlisonClaire's pom-pom and found it lying with the many cakes the troll stole from Aperture Science.

As the sun is beginning to set again and clouds, still fluffy like good old cotton candy, turned orange, he returned to AlisonClaire where she got delighted and hugged him tightly again like a 5 year old girl who found her buddy, the teddy bear, again. Her face were filled with tears of joy, while Vito desperately needed an oxygen tank.

"Before I say goodbye to you," AlisonClaire said, smiling, "here is a strength potion that you can drink which will make you really strong. It's called the 'Medicinal Steroids Potion', you should try it since you look really weak." Vito accepted the gift and waded goodbye to her. He walked back to the Path to the Prinny Land, feeling remarkably proud that he had finished his first Quest.

After a hour of walking, he got tired and sat down on a nearby tree. He got some twigs from the tree and made a campfire for roasting the bat. The bat was grabbed from Vito's bag and Vito started to roast it. While it was being meticulously cooked, Vito was curious on how the Medicinal Steroids Potion will make him strong. He rummaged his backpack and grabbed the Medicinal Steroids Potion with his right hand. He opened the cap and there was some orange liquid in the bottle.

He gulped down the potion without looking at the side-effects and began to feel something weird in his stomach. He trembled down to the ground, shaking rapidly, and after 1 hour of being a mini-earthquake, he was too tired to eat the roasted bat but he saw the fire was extinguished and the bat was well-done.

He took a nap, without realizing what had happened to him during the shaking session.

The sky became dark blue and some trolls were nearby Vito's poorly made camp. Looking for something to eat, they went into the camp but saw something in the tent and quickly ran away from the camp while shouting, "OMG OMG OMG A NOOB TRANSFORMED TO 1337 GUY!!! METAMORPHOSIS FTL!!!" They ran away without turning back for they may get beaten up by that "1337 GUY" but instead, they met a level 70 moderator on the road to escape which turned out to be worser and were terribly defeated.

But in order to find out this so-called "1337 GUY", the sun must rise again and motivation from the author to write more must be increased.

End of Cheerleading 101: You Need Your Pom-Pom to Survive

To be continued...

The Beginning of Vito

2008-08-09T12:31:00.000+08:00

Years ago, the evils named the trolls lurked the World Wide Web. They have terrorized the people who live there and destroyed their homeland.

The webmasters decided that they should appoint moderators - heroes of the World Wide Web - to create peace and equality over the World Wide Web.

One particular moderator achieved new grounds and is one of the best ones so far. His story was well-remembered by many and amazes all of the moderators and the folks.

His name was Vito. He was born in Kongregate where trolls made trouble in the chatrooms and after seeing the damage, he wanted to be a moderator immediately. He approached the wise_old_man and asked how to be one.

"You must get the Sword of Moderation, it will be a hard journey but it will be worth it. Only the brave and the clever will succeed. I see that you have the potential of being one but it's all up to you. You must go to the Dungeon with a Generic Boss and kill the Generic Boss to get the sword. Good luck."

He sets off with his belongings and went inside the Dungeon with a Generic Boss. He picked up a Green Leaf which can damage 0-1 points. He thought, "This is a good weapon for me, I must say". He equipped the Green Leaf on his right hand. There was a treasure chest nearby. He opened up and got 10 gold. He thought of the things he can buy with the 10 gold... A cucumber, a spoon, a fork...

He saw a door and a sign was above the door, saying "The Generic Boss' Lair". This is it, he thought, I must prepare myself for battle. He opened the door and was engulfed by the shadows.

Suddenly, light shines Vito's eyes and what he saw could be the most hardest generic boss ever. It was a young chick (baby chicken) which can damage 0 points. 0 points was a big number to him because Vito's health points was 10.

He slashed the chick as hard as he could and damaged the chick 1 point. The chick cried and attacked back and damaged 0 points. He slashed again and damaged 1 point and the chick died.

Vito leveled up to level 2 and his health points became 15. He was very proud of his achievements and cried for joy. A treasure chest popped up and he went to the chest to open it. There it was, the famous Sword of Moderation which can damage 1-2 points. He picked it up with honor and equipped it.

He exited the Dungeon with a Generic Boss and ran to wise_old_man, saying "I did it! I did it!" The wise old man replied, "Now, it is time to make the Kingdom of Kongregate proud. Go to Prinny Land where you will meet General Moderator JudeMaverick and he will instruct you the hardest missions you will ever see." Vito hugged the wise_old_man and said goodbye to him.

He walked into the sunset...

And this is just the beginning...